Imagine, if you will, a world where Halo: Advanced Combat is not the masterpiece of science fiction that we consider today, but Beyoncé’s latest video game album. Or, what if donkey kong was a game on running mules? I ask myself these questions a lot. So I decided to re-imagine my own gaming multiverse.
This list puts into context four games that I know next to nothing about. I’m going into these summaries cold, except for the console, release date, and maybe a screenshot. Small. Here is!
4 nobody saves the world
Xbox Series X/S, Xbox One, PC – January 18, 2022
producers of Don’t look up comes the epilogue of the video game with Meryl Streep. Yes, it’s true, we have Meryl Mothaf’ing Streep resume his presidential role in a Armageddon-Hellscape formerly called Earth. And this time she is lend affordable housing and create survivor villages!?
Rejoice, switchless fools. nobody saves the world combines the warm fuzz you crave and macabre sci-fi aesthetic that will save your Rep with the Halo Brothers. XxX_DeathBells_XxXam I right?
There is so much depressing fun you can have in NSTW. For example, you can:
- Arts and crafts new tools and utilities with broken asteroid pieces.
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Join your fellow weaponsmiths to community activities to like Thunderdome Thursdays and Cannibal cooking class.
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Trick someone you don’t like into paying for a bag of chips – EVEN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE FREE!
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Jump on a pole until you finally remember what are bridges.
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And especially: CONTINUED. IMPROVISED. MERYL. PHONE CALLS!
So join President Merylthe ghost of leonardo dicaprioand one cast of barely alive characters and fail to make the Earth sustainable again because you screwed up the first time!
How do you like these turnips, Tom Nook?
3 Baby Storm
Nintendo Switch – January 21, 2022
Take your pacifiers and call your mom because there’s a Baby Storm on the horizon!
Twisted minds of Squanch Games comes an adventure that will make you grow fast or die trying!
In Baby Storm, you play as Jenna and John twin babysitters just trying to get by bro. Until the day where, babies are starting to fall from the sky! We don’t know why. They just fall. Like from the clouds, man! Big babies, little babies, old babies, chubby babies, Muppet babies, alien babies, ghost babies, there are so many babies! And th-th-they’re everywhere!
Damn it! I can’t follow this anymore! Were lying down. There are no babysitter twins, and the game isn’t real.
But there’s still too many babies and–and we have to figure out what to do with them! Do we give them milk? Burp them? Change their diapers? What if they hit the ground!? Aww, damn it, this is going to be a mess. Oh, I’m going to be sick.
We shouldn’t have opened that portal to the baby-verse, Rick! I thought we got over our differences after the crows left – But you’re the same, Rick! You are the same fucking!!! And what if nobody plays this game. I’m too young to father billions of babies. II did it once, and I won’t do it again. It’s so hard to see them go…
BleeeeEeEeELLLLCHHHH – It’s a game. It’s on all consoles. And the the first to beat him gets an exclusive tour of the universe. And don’t tell me that’s a price you could live without. Because if you can fool yourself into believing your life is complete when you know there is a baby verse, among many other realities, then you are too dense to appreciate the nuances of multiple realities in the first place. And if so, we don’t want you.
Unless you like babies, you can work with us. We don’t care what you do with them. Just understand it.
Rick, why is it raining babies?
You make it rain billions of babies every night when you relieve yourself in the shower. But we don’t ask questions, do we, Jerry? Now make yourself useful, or grab some men’s handkerchiefs and get out of our way.
Baby Storm! Available now on Nintendo Switch. Wubba Lubba Dub Dub!
2 Killzone: Shadowfall
PS4 – November 15, 2013
Mind the step…
Stay steady…
OH NO! Somebody’s in the KILLZONE!
Hasbro and Ubisoft bringing you a console port of the long-forgotten cursed board game, Killzone, for the first time in its century-old history! This PS4 Exclusive take advantage of the revolution Move Controllers for a fun and deadly experience your family will never forget!
Never. Never. To forget.
Simply tilt the Move joysticks to guide your pawns on the spinning wheel of death. But beware ! If you lose your balance and fall on the Killzone marked in redyour pawn will be meet a dark and grizzly death!
Our developers put a lot of detail into Killzone’s appearance, replicating the experience that gave your great-grandparents night terrors so long ago!
All classic game pieces are here, including:
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Guillotine
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shredder
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Bloody ax
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sacrificial goat
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and everyone’s favourite: The Car!
Additionally, our digitally recreated wheel of death everyone blood spots and cryptic messages chiseled out of desperation from the original game!
But wait, there’s more! This new edition, shadow fall, incorporates dark and mythical shadow magic from the depths of Hades. We can’t say what happens when you lose, but let’s just say there’s no point in fighting. No, no, sir! Fair succumb to darkness and give up all hope!
Go on! Grab your family and friends and succumb to the darkness!
Succumb to darkness, already! 😄😄😄😉😉😉
SUCCOME TO DARKNESS.
Then use your Reward Points buy new skins and boards in the Hasbro Games Channel from Ubisoft!
(Terms and conditions apply. Reward Points are not acceptable real currency. All Reward Point purchases are non-refundable. If you do not use Reward Points after six months, you will forfeit them by your account. Users may not gift reward points to other users, especially those in the dark realm.)
1 Coming Soon – Read Only Memories: Neurodriver
PS4, PS5, Xbox Series X/S, Xbox One, Nintendo Switch – TBA 2022
Some memories stay with us always.
And some get rewritten with Seinfeld reruns.
Dive into the neuro hard drive of voicea Sensitive humanoid responder/DVR device entangled in a hexagon love with five eligible singles. But with a Nosy-Nancys family, girlfriends chattingand one controlling bossWill Vocia ever receive her true love voicemail?
In this new Otome visual novel from Spike Chunsoftyou will decode, Listenand send messages to find the perfect companion! But stay tuned. If you are unable to delete old voicemail messagesyour father is going smash the unheard messages with another five-hour Mets game!
That is, of course, if your the mother does not listen to them first.
Now don’t be pissed off with us that mom keeps asking you what “almond happy” means. We warned you!
Meet him Amusing and totally unique archetypes of New Tech Cityto like:
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Pixie-girl’s best friend, fans go waifu.
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Exaggerated dad with memorable facial expressions.
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Maternal figure who brings ugly tears to tears with her poignant advice.
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The crime-solving UI that lives in your left eye.
And associate your network with one of the five dashing love interests:
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Cartoon Dracula
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Toxic Man The game makes excuses for a hot cause?
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Sensitive twink with glasses
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Too much money, but he’s super down to earth Guyssssss!
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True End Guy
Moreover, with hundred different endings and the one you really don’t care aboutyou will experience joy of skipping dialogue again and again!
Read-only memories: Neurodriver– Will he like to leave you a message after the BEEEEEEEEEP?
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